Saturday

I'm not sure if it's seasonal affective disorder, or the low laying depression takes a boost from shorter days, stress and cold. I'm afraid of December, I've felt stress so many years of my life in this month, I put pressure to find other people gifts, and when I ease off that, I develop self hatred for my lack of gifts to others. It's the classic blood from a rock situation, I feel other's expectations and my lack of ability to bring about fulfilling their wants. 

I'm not going to ease off worrying about what I'm going to get my daughter with no money. Tiz the season to be bewildered by materialistic expectations. I've never succeeded in giving people poems or artwork or other self made presents. People also talk about the loneliness of the season, for those not hooked into large extended families nearby. I like solitude, and I hope to connect with my family. The challenge to avoid negative thinking and have insight into thinking is the same as always.

Luckily nobody gets me presents any more, so I don't get others presents. Feels kind of lonely and unappreciated, but living as an erzat monk, I'm primed to not want, and don't need anything. 

Shams has gone away on retreat, and I'm not sure when he gets back, but I'm confident when he is back he will get back in touch with me. I'm untethered by the daily meditation with him. Everything changes, nothing stays the same.

Luckily it's Shams that is getting the meditation support, I know how to meditate every day on my own, and how much it supports me. Anyway, it's good to take breaks as well, though I like to keep vigilant. 

I never stop reading the Satipatthana Sutta.