Tuesday

 

Loneliness: The other day I was talking about loneliness, and Shams suggested I meditate on it, so I did that 2 days ago. I realized it's the story, and rejection that gets me.

Various ungiven sadhanas: I was going to do Buddhanasati, but instead of the shakyamuni mantra, I started doing om mani padme hum. So I did Avalokitanasati. 

I went on a lot of ordination retreats with Triratna, where you do the 6 element meditation to dismantle yourself, and then the people getting ordained get a sadhana practice. Now part of it is being ready and joining the order, and getting the sadhana practice from a preceptor, who represents the guru, in Triranta's case, Sangharakshita. 

I fell out with my preceptor and he moved back to England, so I'm not really in the ordination process. Thinking about how they have no lineage, I wonder if it's worth it. And I gave myself a name, Kamuka. I'm ready for a new name, but it hasn't emerged yet. 

I've always felt like that was a handoff I never recieved, so I give myself sadhana practices even if sadhana meditation practices are mostly about committing to a guru. For me it's a visualization and contemplation practice, except I can't really visualize, so it's a feelings practice.

Remembering the Buddha is more than a sadhana, and I thought I would just add on to that with Avalokita today.

The Heart Sutra begins, "The Bodhisattva of compassion, when he meditated deeply, saw the emptiness of all 5 skandhas and sundered the bonds that caused him suffering."

I do a karuna meditation, so I reflected a little on that too. 

Even though I don't feel like I can visualize, I try that some too.