Friday

I would love to go to the place where the Buddha became enlightened. I don't imagine it would necessarily rub off on me, but who knows, I bet it's worth the try. 

Woke up very early and read Foundations of Tibetan Mysticism by Lama Anagarika Govinda. It's a magical book, that I've been reading for quite a long time, because I read it in small amounts and put it away for a while. I read it on the trip down to visit relatives on the train and that's jumpstated me reading it occasionally again. 

I prize the copy because a friend traded the book to me, for the book I was reading. I don't think the book I was reading was very good, but it was a new hardback about a fellow who spent time with the Gelupas. Not much Dharma in it, but I guess that was the point. My friend gave me an old paperback, but it feels really precious somehow even though there feels like there's something off about the book, slightly rubs me the wrong way in ineffable ways. Still very interesting and worthy book, which is why I keep slogging. 

My daughter sleeps over on Thursday nights, and it's difficult for me, either I get insomnia or fall asleep early while she's not asleep yet. I love her so much. I'm happy not to get a good night sleep, no matter how attached I am to sleeping well. I had a really intense dream where I was in India and there was this tourist trap where there are bunch of displays where scenes are acted out and then they freeze the scene so tourists can take pictures, they're always fumbling with their cameras to get the shot. What I learned in psychoanalytic training is you evoke from the patient what they think the dream means and then maybe weave that into your interpretations. I suppose I wish I could travel and tourist trap is kind of the downside to traveling, manufactured experience to soak the tourist. Even so the spectacles can be interesting. I really do believe that you travel by living in a place for a longer time. I spent 2 months in Ecuador and it was amazing. I lived in England. I think travel is really important to realize how contingent existence is. I guess I'm really happy Shams got to travel some, going to Turkey must have been amazing. He seems really tired from the trip, tired for his birthday. He's trying so hard but some things just tire you out. 

Since I'm no longer associated with Triratna I find the negative reviews of them interesting, from a slam post on Reddit. 

Chaotic morning, my daughter woke up early. I started meditating, Shams was late. I stared, he joined in, and I had to run to the grocery to get Anandi's breakfast. 

He didn't know autism, didn't know the different kinds of pasta. He saw Good Will Hunting.

Dropped Ruby off at school, and tried to walk by the lake but the gates were closed! Nature was closed today. 

I think my restlessness is desire for sense desire. I think all the hindrances are sense desire. Giving in to anger, or sloth are pleasant, doubt is pleasant to me. Restlessness is energy, wanting more stimulation.