Tuesday

 

Wikipedia: Bagan is an ancient city and a UNESCO World Heritage Site in the Mandalay Region of Myanmar. From the 9th to 13th centuries, the city was the capital of the Pagan Kingdom, the first kingdom that unified the regions that would later constitute Myanmar. During the kingdom's height between the 11th and 13th centuries, more than 10,000 Buddhist temples, pagodas and monasteries were constructed in the Bagan plains alone, of which the remains of over 2200 temples and pagodas survive. The Bagan Archaeological Zone is a main attraction for the country's nascent tourism industry. 

Tonight is New Year's Eve. Shams was feeling bad, he feels inbetween, he can't live in the world, he can't live as a monk.

My version of that tension was when I went on a week long solitary week, and I realized with work and family I wasn't going to be able to progress the way I wanted to. I think I went a little crazy, went the wrong direction, desperate struck out and wrecked everything. Left my wife and children, though tried to be available for my children. Then spiraled negative and into substance abuse. I absolutely went crazy, and I'm just coming out of it now, and my life is nearly over. Maybe Theravada are right, maybe lay should just focus on supporting the sangha. Maybe only monks should go for it. 

I'm sick as a dog, it's a miracle I sat today, I'm proud of that. 

Reading the Gooch book on Rumi, and he's writing about the silk road, one of the roads Buddhism traveled. Peking to Constantinople, Hangzhou to Cairo. Love Bill Porter/Red Pine's book on the Silk road. Looked up so many things and learned so many things. Infact, I love every Bill Porter travel book I've read. I'm getting an obscure one in the mail soon, hopefully. 

Some maps have Mashhad on the silk road. Looks like January is the coolest month in Mashhad. I didn't know Imam Reza shrine was bombed in 1994, 25 people died. The Baloch terrorist, Ramzi Yousef, a Sunni Muslim turned Wahhabi, one of the main perpetrators of the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, was found to be behind the plot. 

If Rumi went to Neyshabur in 1216, he maybe went to Mashhad, but maybe not. I'm pretty sure there were lots of forks in the road. But Mashhad is one way to Tehran and Neyshabur is another. 

Yaqut (1179-1229) has some influential books used to understand the times. There was a huge earthquake in 1145 and in 1153 Oghuz Turks invaded and took off their grand sultan.

When Rumi was in Neyshabur he might have seen some Malamatiyya: "The Malamatiyya believed in the value of self-blame, that piety should be a private matter and that being held in good esteem would lead to worldly attachment. They concealed their knowledge and made sure their faults would be known, reminding them of their imperfection. The Malamati is one for whom the doctrine of "spiritual states" is fraught with subtle deceptions of the most despicable kind; he despises personal piety, not because he is focused on the perceptions or reactions of people, but as a consistent involuntary witness of his own "pious hypocrisy"."

Now there's a sect of Islam I can get behind.

1/1/25. I was sick and missed meditation, but I did a rain meditation with Tara Brach today.

Monday

This is my personal dharma blog. Shams is my friend and we meditate online together. Shams lives in Iran, and I live in NYC. Shams doesn't care about politics. He's younger than me. We try to meet every day but it doesn't happen some days. Somehow this evolved into a personal blog, as opposed to my impersonal objective tone Buddhism blog. I write like I'm talking to a friend. The path is personal.

This graphic was interesting, sort of about the purification on the path, but not in a puritan way of unnaturally forcing things, but in a natural way. Explanation 

I think I had to read the Saṃyutta Nikāya to get why skandhas are important.

We met late last night for him. Usually the sun isn't up here, and it comes up while it's going down in Iran. But the sun was starting to go down here, and it was dark there. Shams gets insomnia, I'm glad he sought me out to support him. I feel really sleepy and yawned a lot during our meditation, but I like random meditation whenever.

I have a cold and my nose doesn't clear, so I'm having to breath out of my mouth. Theradithi got sick and then Ananadi got sick, and I thought I was morally superior because I didn't get sick, and then I got sick, and that crushed my hopes of being so enlightened that I didn't get colds anymore. 

I live on my own and only have to clean to please myself. Sometimes I don't clean the pan after I make my rice and beans. In the morning there are lots of mice droppings in the pan. Little footballs of hard poop. They seem to like my cooking though, and they clean the pan. Except they leave something to be cleaned, evidence of their existence. 

I had to move my bread off the counter. I guess that's why people have bread boxes, to keep the mice out. The mice like bread. I put it on top of the refrigerator, but they found it eventually, and found a way up there. They can get into some cabinets and not others. I keep learning. 

One dopey mouse was obviously sick and didn't run away. I put him out into the hall. Two have gotten stuck in empty garbage cans, I took them to the park, down the block. Ella, Andandi's cat that died recently, brought me a mouse once, when I was cat-sitting. I found it with my foot in the dark, going to the bathroom. Ella used to always sit in front of the stove, I think they climb in it somehow. 

He's eating ته چین, which is tahchin in English. He asked his mother Meygoo Polo, a shrimp dish, not Shirin polo.

He asked me what's up, and I said people were dying. Jimmy Carter and Linda Lavin. 

(I'm reading some hatred and some not blaming Carter for the overthrow and Islamic republic on Reddit.)

I talked about Ayya Khema, because I'm reading Right Concentration by Leigh Brasington.

"If I was a monk with some trusted people around me, that would be my life until I die." 

I told him to go to a monastery. He said he has to take care of his mother. He says if he could do a 3 months retreat, that would set him up. 

So lets do a 3 month retreat, starting now. He laughed. He imagines 10 hours a day.

I'm busting my ass to do 2 hours. I could try to push it to 3 hours. 

He's anxious about money and working. He thinks about right effort. 

Shams quit his meditation group. 40 people said they wanted to do it, and only 2 people showed up.

I told him how I threw a sangha night meditation, and 8 people showed up the first time, and then nobody showed up ever again.

We talked Sangharakshita and death. Both of my grandfathers and Sangharakshita lived to 93.

In the end we talked for 85 minutes so we could only sit for 21 minutes.

Sunday

 

Shams was in Konya Turkey, seemed like his first trip out of the country and his first trip to a retreat. I hope he goes on many retreats and travels a lot. 

He’s too busy today, and I slept in because I’m getting tired of this cold. When a friend is busy, you forgive them, while wanting to spend time with them anyway. There are many contradictory emotions. 

In my biography of Rumi, he’s moving from Samarkand to Mecca. He hasn’t made it yet to Konya, where he will spend the majority of his life. If you look at a map it’s a long way from Samarkand to Konya. I’m reading the entry on Konya, and St. Paul made it to Konya. 

Rumi had a tutor Borhan. His journal survives, and he was into to the spiritual benefits of fasting. I had a friend who would do the master cleanse. I was always really impressed. One fellow joked about solitary retreat being only about making big sandwiches. What are you doing to do, keep making big sandwiches? I kind of think eating vegan mostly, plant based imperfection, there’s an element of restraint and discipline. Anandi is better at that than me, she’s a strict vegan. She is the one who gives me awesome Christmas presents of food. 

I have graphomania, can’t stop writing. Made my list of the best movies of 2024. Made a post about female vocalists I like. I read Wikipedia and update my non-personal Buddhist blog. Collecting information is the job of the information age. 

Like any biography, Rumi has lots of loss. His grandmother, his tutor, friends. He lost them by traveling so far away from them. 

Rumi meets his first wife Gowhar. 

Saturday

 

Shams said he needed more women musicians to listen to. I wrote a post.

Feeling sick again, getting worse. Still think meditation mitigates illness.

We didn’t connect today, understand when he’s busy.

Friday

I started meditating at 5:11 for 40 minutes, before potentially meeting Shams. He text a change from 6 to 7:30 (which is 4PM Iran time). Karuna today. 

I'm feeling sick, and meditating is a way to feel better. Supposedly Ajahn Chan used to meditate a lot when he was sick. 

One of my wives (not a bigamist, serial) didn't like how horney I got when I'm sick, I'm seeking physical comfort. Now when I get dirty thoughts, I focus on expanding the rapture, they're the canary in the coal mine for rapture for me.

Thinking about further restricting myself, being more disciplined in the new year. I don't really like new years resolutions because I'm always resolving to try harder about the things I care about. And I also want to be realistic and gentle in my push to the higher evolution. Today I am sick and it's not the day to go all out. 

Finished the Harry Potter movies (8), now onto the Fantastic Beasts (3). In the age of information you can't cancel artists because of problems, you wouldn't see anything. I loved the Potter movies, and the Fantastic Beasts movies aren't as good, but I'm going to watch them. 

Started reading Right Concentration by Leigh Brasington and I like this Pali quote at the end of the preface:

But when one lives quite free from any view,

is virtuous, with perfect insight won,

and greed for sensual desires expelled—

one surely comes no more to any womb

This blog hopes to be how friendship supports the path, about my friend, my personal journey, and anything along the way that catches my mind, a real grab bag. My struggles with loneliness, social awkwardness, social anxiety. My successes and joys! Our success and joys.

Thursday

Shams woke me up, I was sleeping. I changed the alarm yesterday when he said he'd be late, and didn't set it back. He woke me up anyway, and we chatted some. He's excited to begin teaching English, he's going to have 2 classes. I tried to pass on my teacher wisdoms. 

We only meditated 30 minutes. He used to insist on 60, then he's been down to 40 lately, and I was surprised he said 30 today.

I noticed I'm sick in my meditation, Theradithi has passed on what she had. Sore throat, headache. Anandi said she was sick too, has a runny nose, which I don't have, yet. 

Watched all the Harry Potter movies recently. Feels like a primer for dark times. Such a plea for tolerance of others, weird she became insistent about sex and not gender, I think she feels threatened as a woman and men becoming women feels threatening to her. Of course those people felt like they were women all along, so weird to see someone you like for their empathetic art, go unempathetic. I'm sure she feels she's defending something important. I'm not convinced she's as bad as she's made out to be, and I think if she wasn't rich and powerful nobody would care what she said, plenty of anti-trans people about. 

First two movies are about coping with school. 3rd one is the best. Gets darker and darker, the three friends fight more, as it goes along and it's quite dark, drab, struggle filled in the end. I love Luna. I also think the people being evil is well acted, so many great actors they ended up getting. Well done.

Fantastic Beasts isn't quite a good, seems the anti-trans stuff affected her quality, but I'll watch what I can of those too. 

I had a nice Christmas, love being with Theradithi and Anandi (my Buddhist names for them), even if I got sick from the visit. 

Happy Buddhamas

I like to wish people who aren't Christian "Merry Christmas" because everyone can celebrate it, to me it's a cultural holiday denuded of Christianity, it's a celebration of winter solstice, and just expressing joy in the shortest days of the year. 

There are celebrations of Buddhamas and all sorts of ways Buddhists can celebrate. I'm going to meditate this morning, connect with my Buddhist friend, and somewhere along the way read some Dharma like I do every day. I will seek to be ethical and harm nobody, bring joy. 

Happy Buddhamas! The one true religion is kludge and syncretism, where we smoosh it all together and try to make it work and make sense. 

I remember as a child with family, getting presents, it's a good time. I have fond memories of December 25th. I hope my daughter and sons have good memories. 

And when you dig into winter solstice, it's not that simple (Scientific American).

Shams was late, and a power outage meant it was delayed out connection. We talked about Taoism, and all kinds of stuff. He recently watched Seinfeld, and he sees his relationship with Amir, where Amir is George Costanza. He found Corner Gas to have too much dialogue, it was more of an English class for him.

Tuesday

 

Loneliness: The other day I was talking about loneliness, and Shams suggested I meditate on it, so I did that 2 days ago. I realized it's the story, and rejection that gets me.

Various ungiven sadhanas: I was going to do Buddhanasati, but instead of the shakyamuni mantra, I started doing om mani padme hum. So I did Avalokitanasati. 

I went on a lot of ordination retreats with Triratna, where you do the 6 element meditation to dismantle yourself, and then the people getting ordained get a sadhana practice. Now part of it is being ready and joining the order, and getting the sadhana practice from a preceptor, who represents the guru, in Triranta's case, Sangharakshita. 

I fell out with my preceptor and he moved back to England, so I'm not really in the ordination process. Thinking about how they have no lineage, I wonder if it's worth it. And I gave myself a name, Kamuka. I'm ready for a new name, but it hasn't emerged yet. 

I've always felt like that was a handoff I never recieved, so I give myself sadhana practices even if sadhana meditation practices are mostly about committing to a guru. For me it's a visualization and contemplation practice, except I can't really visualize, so it's a feelings practice.

Remembering the Buddha is more than a sadhana, and I thought I would just add on to that with Avalokita today.

The Heart Sutra begins, "The Bodhisattva of compassion, when he meditated deeply, saw the emptiness of all 5 skandhas and sundered the bonds that caused him suffering."

I do a karuna meditation, so I reflected a little on that too. 

Even though I don't feel like I can visualize, I try that some too. 

Ella passed away

 

Made me want to write an extended essay about cats in my life. 

First cat I remember is when my father moved out and I visited him. We threw a ball back and forth so that the kitten was exhausted. 

My college girlfriend had a cat I named Alcibiades. Alcy B. We saw Cats in London. Only time I ever bought scalped tickets. 

My cousins got two cats on the side of the road. My aunt asked what they wanted to name the cats. Bart said Eyeball. My aunt said, "name them something you like." Bart said swimming pool. She said how about a flower name. So one cat was named Eyeball Swimming Pool Sunflower, and the other was named Marigold. The learning curve was steep. 

I got 2 cats at one point, Shadrach and Finland Station or Fin. Not sure what happened to them, one got sick and died, but I remember they would lay down on my chest when I would read. One time when a dog came in the apartment they climbed up the curtains they were so scared. 

Later I had a party and someone brought a kitten from the street. I called it Milo, but I thought it disappeared, but she finally came out from under the dresser, and as a girl I modified the name to Mila. Ended up giving her to my aunt, and she gave her to someone in Brooklyn when she moved. 

When I met Cori she had Oscar. I created a blog, "Oh Oscar". 

Cori's relatives like cats. We got two cats, and Lulu ended up in Florida. When they realized Ella was in the corner, Lulu dominated her we brought her back to New York. 

When I call my father Miss Kitty sometimes hops on the Facetime. 

There was a cat on the street, an outside feral cat, but it was run over.

Sunday

 

It's 17 degrees in NYC! And the snow stuck. Not quite like the picture above, but still. I love snow.

I asked Shams about Yalda. It doesn't mean anything to him, he doesn't have much family. I went to bed early but I have Theradithi today.

Shams said he created a Sangha with 20 people. He's not sure I can join in with the way things are in the country. I told him to invite anyone he wants to our sits. He doesn't want to get rid of our sits.

Got a text Ella the cat passed away, so I'm going to make a post about cats in my life.

Saturday

Shams sees me as obsessed with lineage, even though I'm not. The fact that I bring it up and recognize it, doesn't mean I don't see it as a fantasy like every other thought, and unverifyable. I also think where a thought comes from matters. 

He says he doesn't really get into winter holidays in his country, but I'm reading about Yalda Night, which is tonight I think. 

"The longest and darkest night of the year is a time when friends and family gather together to eat, drink and read poetry (especially Hafez) and Shahnameh until well after midnight. Fruits and nuts are eaten and pomegranates and watermelons are particularly significant. The red colour in these fruits symbolizes the crimson hues of dawn and the glow of life. The poems of Divan-e Hafez, which can be found in the bookcases of most Iranian families."

There's a movie called Yalda: A Night of Forgiveness (2019). It's on Tubi.

Also reading about Mithraism, which is also a solstice celebration originating from Iran.

Ananta Caves

Topics of this blog: Personal Buddhist spiritual life and meditation. Specifics of my friendship with friend in Iran. Iranian culture, history, and current events. History of Buddhism. Images of Buddhism. Buddhist sites around Earth. What meditation stirs up for me. What I'm reading, studying, movies seen. 

Friday

I would love to go to the place where the Buddha became enlightened. I don't imagine it would necessarily rub off on me, but who knows, I bet it's worth the try. 

Woke up very early and read Foundations of Tibetan Mysticism by Lama Anagarika Govinda. It's a magical book, that I've been reading for quite a long time, because I read it in small amounts and put it away for a while. I read it on the trip down to visit relatives on the train and that's jumpstated me reading it occasionally again. 

I prize the copy because a friend traded the book to me, for the book I was reading. I don't think the book I was reading was very good, but it was a new hardback about a fellow who spent time with the Gelupas. Not much Dharma in it, but I guess that was the point. My friend gave me an old paperback, but it feels really precious somehow even though there feels like there's something off about the book, slightly rubs me the wrong way in ineffable ways. Still very interesting and worthy book, which is why I keep slogging. 

My daughter sleeps over on Thursday nights, and it's difficult for me, either I get insomnia or fall asleep early while she's not asleep yet. I love her so much. I'm happy not to get a good night sleep, no matter how attached I am to sleeping well. I had a really intense dream where I was in India and there was this tourist trap where there are bunch of displays where scenes are acted out and then they freeze the scene so tourists can take pictures, they're always fumbling with their cameras to get the shot. What I learned in psychoanalytic training is you evoke from the patient what they think the dream means and then maybe weave that into your interpretations. I suppose I wish I could travel and tourist trap is kind of the downside to traveling, manufactured experience to soak the tourist. Even so the spectacles can be interesting. I really do believe that you travel by living in a place for a longer time. I spent 2 months in Ecuador and it was amazing. I lived in England. I think travel is really important to realize how contingent existence is. I guess I'm really happy Shams got to travel some, going to Turkey must have been amazing. He seems really tired from the trip, tired for his birthday. He's trying so hard but some things just tire you out. 

Since I'm no longer associated with Triratna I find the negative reviews of them interesting, from a slam post on Reddit. 

Chaotic morning, my daughter woke up early. I started meditating, Shams was late. I stared, he joined in, and I had to run to the grocery to get Anandi's breakfast. 

He didn't know autism, didn't know the different kinds of pasta. He saw Good Will Hunting.

Dropped Ruby off at school, and tried to walk by the lake but the gates were closed! Nature was closed today. 

I think my restlessness is desire for sense desire. I think all the hindrances are sense desire. Giving in to anger, or sloth are pleasant, doubt is pleasant to me. Restlessness is energy, wanting more stimulation. 

Thursday

 

Today is Shams' birthday. He's such a gift himself. I love bowing to him after I ring the bell. He's tired again today, the trip to Turkey for the Rumi retreat really took it out of him. 

I lost my high school best friend a few years ago, he was born on this day. Scott Hamilton (December 19, 1966 – January 26, 2020) was a real good guy. One time his dog got my hat, and tore it apart. So Scott used the ball as a topper for his Christmas trees after that. 

He is what I wrote when he passed:

I date the beginning of my decade of active friendship to my complaining I’d been cut from the baseball team. He told me track didn’t cut people. I couldn’t run fast, so I became a long distance runner. He was faster than me at first, because he’d already had a cross country season. I missed that freshman year of cross country, I’d always wondered about that. Some guy was really good but quit, I guess he wasn’t masochistic enough to run long distances any more. Because we were pretty close in times, we spent a lot of time running together. My two best friends have spent a lot of time running with me. Scott became my best friend in high school, and that’s saying a lot because I’m not that communicative and I was weird. Phil Busse wrote, “Scott Hamilton was on the cross-country team with me; two years older, and what seemed like a lifetime more clever and funny. In some ways, he helped me form my sense of humor—one that often poked fun, but was never mean; just good-natured, and as easily turned on one’s own self.” I was Scott’s age, and I was still impressed by his absurd goofy kindly humor. We developed a dance routine where we would stomp out feet, and then run towards each other and jump up. I chipped my tooth at his first wedding doing that, and I have a dead looking tooth because of that.

We spent a lot of time together in high school. I remember hours and hours of ping pong, smashing the ball back and forth with top spin. His family car was affectionately nicknamed The Lurking Red Menace, and he picked me up many times in that car to enjoy the night in Madison Wisconsin. I went up to his grandparents cottage in Boulder Junction and ran a 5K with him one summer. One time I was talking suicidally, the morose teen that I was. I missed his phone calls because I was outside sunbathing. He came over to check on me. He was a good friend. Another example of his absurd humor, when his dog Pepper tore apart my ski hat, he used the ball for the top of his Christmas tree thereafter. His last text to me was showing me his crowning tree ornament. 

To my utter disappointment I didn’t go to college with him, but I visited once to see the Violent Femmes. He lived with me one summer, before I went to England for a year abroad and then he visited me in England. We hitch hiked to York with his friend Nick who was doing a year abroad too. We rented a car in York and drove around Scotland. One night we stayed out too late in the pub and when we got back to the hostel the doors were locked. Of course we broke in through a window and slept there. 

Last time I saw him in person was his first wedding. We kept in touch as you do with old friends on Facebook. I always wanted to go to Austin Texas to visit him, now I never will. Looking through his Facebook photos I can see he still liked to amuse people with his goofy dancing. I also saw a lot of people who enjoyed his warm presence. My parents really liked him too, and it was their condolences that got me crying about his death. I will forever wish I’d gone to Austin to visit him. Rest in peace my brother, I'll never forget our adventures.

This blog is a personal blog about meditation and Buddhism and friendship, so I'll keep going, but I think my Scott memorial should just stand alone.

Today I tried an ethical meditation. I think I'll add it into my rotation as a second meditation. I do think I could make stillness, simplicity and contentment as a meditation. It also makes me think I should do a 12 nidanas meditation.

I need to tighten up a few things ethically. Strive harder for veganism over vegetarianism, end pirating, and be more kind to people. I noticed last night that I kind of try to push a conversation on Anandi because I'm lonely, but she's just tired and wants to get home.

Pirating is so seductive, seems like there's no consequence. But it's taking the not given, stealing. I sometimes watch pirated sporting events, movies, and even Dharma books. The phrase "last book stolen," entered my head, hoping I'll stop moving forward, and I think I should just use the library, and my own personal library, and what I've stolen so far. I should just delete all the stolen books if I really care. I have enough streaming services to have a lot of movies, I don't need to steal. 

Here's the invite link if you would like to join us meditating 6 AM EST.

Wednesday

I believe in being respectful and appreciative, but sometimes I feel like Buddhism is like the above picture, where you're groomed to be a groomer of a groomer. Listen to you heart most of all, when you've gotten enough to practice, spend time in solitude. 

And it's OK to be swept away with gratitude, and feel deep feelings of appreciation about learning.

I woke up a lot in the night, and then slept late, and Shams didn't ask to meditate until 7:30 instead of 6AM, so I was lucky.

I was walking home with another mother I often talk to. She comes from Poland where 90% of the people are Catholic. She's not as interested, but she loves the holiday season and every night she has the elf on the shelf do something funny. 

I told her I celebrate winter solstice, cultural Christmas, Buddhamas, Hanukkah, Festivus. I'm thinking of giving Theradithi her present "early" so she can wear it to school tomorrow.

I told her it was Amitabha's birthday, but I'm not really into Pure Land, I'm going to meditate and go for it in this life, but I do love Amitabha as a diety, haha, Amitabha is love, the head on top of Avalokita, that leads to Tara, there's many connections and Amitabha is perhaps the most popular, maybe with Quan Yin, because China is so big. 

There's a Chinese woman, who went to Netherlands and Aruba and Puerto Rico, and now New York. I always get excited to meet new Chinese people, I hope they're Buddhists. Rarely are they really Buddhist. She's folk Chinese and wears a cross. I used to be excited to meet Indian people, but in my neighborhood they're all from Gujarat and don't know Ambedkar. They all don't speak English much or are very private, except one talked to me when my daughter played with her son. She used to climb mulberry trees and eat the mulberries in her childhood, and so did I. 

Dropping Ruby off last night to the car of her mother, downstairs, I saw a really bright star. Then I saw another one. Two bright stars, one to the east, one northwest. 

Shams laid down meditating. I've done it sometimes when it's my second meditation. He's tired from traveling to Turkey. What did you miss about Iran? The toilets. I remember being in France and a bathroom being a hole. Yikes.

Tuesday

Shams is back! He told me about the retreat. Meditation in the morning and drinking at night. He learned sama. He's done it before. It's not really his primary method. 

It's Shams' birthday on Thursday! It's the same day or similar to my best friend who died. It almost believe in astrology. Shams' favorite phrase is, "you never know."

He just arrived, so we couldn't talk long.

I've been on a lot of retreat, and there's one day I just have a fantasy meditation where a fantasy is so intoxicating that I can't think about anything else.

Today I had the fantasy of a spontaneous party where everyone I want comes to the party. And I get to script the whole party. I might have to write a story about it. 

Woof, 4 days of just one meditation (60 minutes), need to do two today! I've been slacking. I always have that vision of Beyond The Thunderdome. You recon we've been slack.

I'm watching Barbie and it's full of amazing quotes:

"By giving voice to the cognitive dissonance required to be a woman under the patriarchy, you robbed it of it’s power."

And, "Kenland contains the seeds of it's own destruction." is pure Derrida. 

I found this infographic:

Sunday

My brain is very much influenced by what I first read in the morning. Today I read funny tweets, and I'm thinking in quips.

Mudita is an interesting challenge, because I need to think about my joys and have a kind of objective sympathy for my joys and virtues, and I'm like, that always makes me kind of cry because nobody says good things about me unless I ask them too while I'm reading a self help book that suggests you do that, or the random hit and run by people that are inexplicable.

I like sending friendliness out into the universe, compassion, joy for others joy, but mental stability and balancing ability isn't something, that is more of a hard skill, and I'm not even sure everyone aspires to it. I do wish the deep absorption of meditative states of depth to people, but I know not everyone aspires to that. There are sort of precursors to that, you don't need to meditate deeply, but now I'm thinking too much and it's not a simple quality to send out there. Perhaps general mindfulness which will have a quality of equanimity to it because it's so mindful. There is an aspect of equanimity in simple mindfulness.

Upeksha, equanimity about myself, tempts me to saying, you're exaggerating, it's not that bad, come on, you're doing you best--but my feelings are important and if I'm exaggerating it's because I'm not a robot and I'm feeling my life choices and their consequences, and they inform me about the world after the fact, a bit too late, in other words. It's like speed chess, you have to make moves, and oh well, you lost again. Speed chess is good for becoming more instinctual and less contemplative for the think about it for 3 days type like myself. Meanwhile I've made crazy instinctual moves that nobody would ever make in the light of day. I'm a depressive type, I don't have anxiety about choices, I'm just sad about some in the past.

To make it more simple, beaming upeksha out into the universe is OK. I try and somehow be beyond conditions, and balance my compassion and joy, and send it from deep meditative states, which isn't easy because you have to get into those deep meditative states, and I struggle with restlessness these days, impulsivity for sense desire.

My son was joking with me about eating cats and dogs, joking on Trump's harmful lies, and I'm not ready to joke about the harm he commits. I do think finding the humor in things is a kind of equanimity move. 

That also makes me think of Kundera's The Unbearable Lightness of Being, some people can't joke about things because everything is tinged with harm and wrong, the project of trying to get less of that is everything. 

Do women have an easier path to enlightenment? From the Therigatha:

your passion for sex shriveled away

like a herb dried up in a pot.

Jan Westerhoff is the scholar of Nagarjuna. He has a talk about how rebirth operates in Nagarjuna. 

Friday

I thought up a new meditation, the 10 precepts meditation. I think I'll do it soon and test it out to see if I should add it in as a first meditation of the day or a second meditation, or a spot meditation when I want some variety or an ethics tuneup.

Buddha Preaching in Tushita Heaven

I realized today that studying Derrida was my way of trying to sharpen my chops so I can take another run at Nagarjuna. 

letter to my cousins

My cousin expressed an interest in becoming more mindful. He has a 1 year old, and works full time, so I thought maybe life is a bit busy for him at the moment. He also runs, so adding in meditation might be a bit much. Why did I feel this way?

You can do secular meditation or other traditions have meditation besides Buddhism. You can just learn meditation as a nice thing to do. You might try MBSR, mindfulness based stress reduction.

I took up meditation and Buddhism after being fired, and 6 months before starting my masters degree with internships and whatnot. I had ample space and time. 

Later, I sort of went crazy with two children, and blew it all up, wrecked a lot of good things, hurt people. 

One time I was on a week long solitary retreat, and while it was wonderful, a highlight of my life, I realized I couldn't really go for it with children, and went crazy. I needed to not try so hard, patience, more support and to grow up. Perhaps I needed to make the mistakes I made, I had to since it's in the past, you can't change the past. 

Children grow up quickly and while it feels really quick, it also feels really slow. Like you're always going to be changing diapers. You're not going to be always changing diapers. 

You could meditate for 20 minutes a day. I cranked it up to 40 minutes and went on a lot of retreats, and practice days, and sangha nights. Now I meditate between one to two and a half hours a day.

I feel like the Buddhist path is you climb a mountain. It turns out that was a little hill and there's a huge mountain in front of you. You climb that mountain and it was just a foothill, there's a huge mountain behind that one. You climb that one, and it turns out you've just climbed a little bump on the earth and there's a huge mountain behind that one. You get the pattern. 

Here is my latest recommendation for books.

Here is my latest recommendation for meditation lead throughs. 

Here is a list of Sangharakshita talks.

It's best to learn face to face, so you can talk after the meditation, though it's surprisingly hard to talk about meditation experience, so you only need a little time, but what someone says to you after meditation can be crucial, and having close friendships and relationships on the path is important. 

Study, devotion, ethics, fellowship and meditation are the activities on the path. You study to learn the tradition that supports the path. Devotion supercharges the practice. I stopped going to evening pujas because I couldn't fall asleep afterwards when I was on retreat. Mantras are like prayers. Without ethics you can get your mind cluttered with lies and fearing getting caught. Friendship is important on the path, someone to talk to about the practice, to see how others adopt the Dharma to their life.

There are many inflection points where people choose different sects in Buddhism. One is the question of being a monk. To me everything slides into increased intensity and devotion, your results may differ. Theravada is the oldest school, has a rich tradition of lay people, but really separates monk and lay, the monk/lay split. 

Mahayana emphasizes the altruistic element because going for my enlightenment doesn't work, you need to think of others. 

Vajrayana relies on the guru. It would be great to have specialize individualized teaching by the most advanced practitioner. It's more like a feudal system of patronage. It's a beautiful tradition but it's not some idealistic paradise. It's easy to project onto leaders. 

Zen is from China (Chan) Korean (Soen) and Japan. It focuses on perfection of wisdom texts and meditation. Read the heart sutra, which is very short, and maybe even memorize it, and then come back to perfection of wisdom. Read the Diamond Sutra, along with other Mahayana sutras. There's a mountain of literature, an ocean of teachings. I'd say read the Sotaptthana sutta and Anapanasati sutta and begin there. But going to a face to face center solves all that, they will tell you the next thing to read, if you want, so you don't get overwhelmed.

I would avoid Shambhala, New Kadampa (NKT). I was in Triratna and learned a lot but they have no lineage. I don't think lineage is the be all, end all, and it's like IMS, it's a lay movement as a way of breaking from the strictures of traditions. If I could choose today I guess I would go to Plum Village or IMS. Do some research online to make sure you not in some money making cults, I can't keep track of all of them. 

The new traditions are dynamic and modern but have scandals and problems. Any Theravada place will be good, but might be ethnic and not invite westerners as much, and be off putting. IMS is a lay inclusive movement.

I'd say connecting to a sangha is the hardest part, and it's possible to learns enough to practice on your own. 

In the end you're watching your mind, and there are 5 hindrances. You can do that without meditation and regular life, but somehow meditation primes you to do it in your life off the cushion. 

Please ask me any questions if you're interested, and forgive me if you're not really interested.

Tuesday

For the second day in a row, outside my window they are pruning trees, putting branches into the wood chipper. They move off the leaf blower came out. 

Luckily I was doing Buddhanasati, and I chant 108 shakyamuni mantras in my head. That's actually a really good practice when things are noisey. I don't say it out loud. Then I imagine sitting next to the Buddha. He has given me permission to begin the path. Sitting next to meditators, I have felt more absorbed, they rubbed off on me. I don't quite get that meditating online with people, but I get something.

They don't come around and trim trees often, and honestly before you know it, it's over. Temporary. I can't remember the last time they did it, but I'm not always around like I am these days. 

Growing up in Madison Wisconsin, as a kid I would climb lots of trees. They didn't trim the lower branches, in NYC they trim lower branches so you can't easily climb trees. One time I was at a friend's house, and we were flying a remote controlled plane. It got stuck in a tree. I climbed the tree and got it back. They were all surprised. City kids who hadn't learned how to climb trees. Because they cut the lower limbs off around the streets. 

Amir and Sepehr didn't show up for meditation, only Amir had asked to meditate. He sent me a lovely apology email, shows me the respect, which is quite kind of him. Things are catch as catch can, and I work hard to be flexible, stop my meditation, go online and lead a meditation, which is really just ringing a bell to start and finish. They don't really need me, but somehow they seem to appreciate me. 

Sepehr showed me his website. He builds websites. Sepehr asked to mediate, and then he was at Amir's. I think it's funny every time I see them together, I need to go to Iran and meet them in person.

GolGavZaban is a tea that Amir drank before meditating. They're really into tea in Iran. 

It's time to begin an intensification with winter. In India it's the rainy season, 3 months when the farmers asked the monks not to walk around. 

Unfold Your Own Myth by Rumi

Who gets up early

to discover the moment light begins?

Who finds us here circling, bewildered, like atoms?

Who comes to a spring thirsty

and sees the moon reflected in it?

Who, like Jacob blind with grief and age,

smells the shirt of his lost son

and can see again?

Who lets a bucket down and brings up

a flowing prophet?

Or like Moses goes for fire

and finds what burns inside the sunrise?

Jesus slips into a house to escape enemies,

and opens a door to the other world.

Soloman cuts open a fish, and there’s a gold ring.

Omar storms in to kill the prophet

and leaves with blessings.

Chase a deer and end up everywhere!

An oyster opens his mouth to swallow on drop.

Now there’s a pearl.

A vagrant wanders empty ruins.

Suddenly he’s wealthy.

But don’t be satisfied with stories, how things

have gone with others. Unfold

your own myth, without complicated explanation,

so everyone will understand the passage,

We have opened you.

Start walking toward Shams. Your legs will get heavy

and tired. Then comes a moment

of feeling the wings you’ve grown,

lifting.

Sunday

That Buddhism sinks right in and prohibits evil is quite a challenging and good feature of Buddhism. I was reading about the business dilemma of selling something harmful to the world, when others sell it. My ex also works for landscaping company that doesn't sell Roundup. I think it's great that it's even a dilemma, I sometimes think this world loves capitalism and money more than it loves the people and itself. 

I feel like the Buddhist path is you climb a mountain. It turns out that was a little hill and there's a huge mountain in front of you. You climb that mountain and it was just a foothill, there's a huge mountain behind that one. You climb that one, and it turns out you've just climbed a little bump on the earth and there's a huge mountain behind that one. You get the pattern. 

The rituals before I meditate. I salute the shrine and chant:

namo buddhaya

namo dharmaya

namo sanghaya, 

namu nama, 

om, ah, hum

Then I light incense. I blow my nose. I check the temperature, record that and the time.

Then I press start.

Opening the eyes. I'd say generally close them, unless you're drowsy and want to wake up a little bit.

There's this moment when the sun is coming up and it's between the earth and the layer of clouds and it shoots violet into the clouds, a sublime and transcendent moment. I like to catch the beauty of a sunrise even though it's a sense pleasure. Looking out a window when I meditate I can sometimes catch it. 

Sometimes I look up meditating and I see the moon. What a wonderous thing the moon is, have you thought about it? I think it's auspicious to see the moon. 

I also open my eyes for inspiration, looking at the rupa of the Buddha, looking at the Triratna refuge tree.

Trying to limit my coffee intake. I feel coffee in my system.

Saturday

I'm not sure if it's seasonal affective disorder, or the low laying depression takes a boost from shorter days, stress and cold. I'm afraid of December, I've felt stress so many years of my life in this month, I put pressure to find other people gifts, and when I ease off that, I develop self hatred for my lack of gifts to others. It's the classic blood from a rock situation, I feel other's expectations and my lack of ability to bring about fulfilling their wants. 

I'm not going to ease off worrying about what I'm going to get my daughter with no money. Tiz the season to be bewildered by materialistic expectations. I've never succeeded in giving people poems or artwork or other self made presents. People also talk about the loneliness of the season, for those not hooked into large extended families nearby. I like solitude, and I hope to connect with my family. The challenge to avoid negative thinking and have insight into thinking is the same as always.

Luckily nobody gets me presents any more, so I don't get others presents. Feels kind of lonely and unappreciated, but living as an erzat monk, I'm primed to not want, and don't need anything. 

Shams has gone away on retreat, and I'm not sure when he gets back, but I'm confident when he is back he will get back in touch with me. I'm untethered by the daily meditation with him. Everything changes, nothing stays the same.

Luckily it's Shams that is getting the meditation support, I know how to meditate every day on my own, and how much it supports me. Anyway, it's good to take breaks as well, though I like to keep vigilant. 

I never stop reading the Satipatthana Sutta.

Friday

The spinning vortex of Saturn's north polar storm resembles a deep red rose of giant proportions surrounded by green foliage.

I like the cosmic pictures, for the cosmic spiritual life. When I radiate metta, karuna, mudita and upeksha throughout the universe, I feel connected to the larger aspect.

I'm quite blessed to wake when I want, drink coffee, and discreetly eliminate waste, then meditate. When my daughter sleeps over I usually wake up early and can pull it off, but today I slept later, and had to get her ready for school, cook her breakfast and lunch, take her to school, before I came back home and had a chance to meditate. The sun was up! I wouldn't have it any other way, I wish my daughter slept over more than she does, I want her all the time. I love taking care of her.

For me there's a tendency to be precious, a hot house flower. There are bad ass Buddhists who aren't like that to inspire us. Milarepa's last teaching is to expose his calloused buttox. 

Thursday

I went to visit some relatives, and there were little kids and I felt like kindred spirits with them, and this poem sums it up.

Thursday has become the day my daughter sleeps over to give her mother a break, to make sure she isn't too unfamiliar with sleeping over if her mother goes away. They have a special bond and they really want to sleep together all the time. 

It's the time she tells me most that she loves me. The mother says she sleeps best with her, and I sleep the worst with her, but that's OK. I get to make her lunch, take her to school, then I have the rest of the day and the next off. I used to have two full days off, but whatever, I don't need days off, I want all days on. I gave her the Buddhist name Theradithi. 

Shams popped up, wanted to meditate for 25 minutes, before he gets onto a train later to Tehran. He was sweet, he really appreciates our time together. He said he was in a bit of a tense hell realm, the opposite of a positive sangha feeling, and it was a real contrast to our time together. 

I had basically 20 minutes left in my 64 minute anapanasati, and just didn't add on time because we talked about the time and were off meditation. He's going away so there might not be one of these for about 10 days.

Amir popped on, but then popped off, not sure why. Maybe he just wants me to himself. He's a bit chaotic. 

I've been thinking the world, culture, countries and whatnot are struggling to adjust to the fact that with everyone having a voice on the internet that everyone has main character syndrome. Maybe that's not even a real thing any more because anyway you are the main character in your story.

Started reading the first American book to win the Booker prize, The Sellout by Paul Beatty. It's quite funny, he's coming up with slogans and mottos for races. I noticed there wasn't one for white people, I'm glad to read a novel foregrounding black experience. 

It's the end of the year and I started getting serious about meditation again about a year ago, and I've been sober for 126 days, so I'm feeling pretty good. I do feel a little seasonal affective disorder. I saw a great cartoon where a woman is talking about her seasonal affective disorder and this big monster is holding her and it's labeled full time depression. Among other things, deeper meditation has helped me cling less to my depressive narratives, and gain insight into how they're just thoughts and I don't have to buy into them. The good news is I've had a great year of meditation and I want to really celebrate that. 

Tuesday - Wednesday

(Emily O’Dell’s translation of Rumi)

“My wandering heart went around the world —

It travelled far seeking the remedy.

But in the end, that sweet and savoury water of life

Simmered and flowed from the granite of my own heart”

I meditated for 22 minutes and then Amir wanted to meditate, so connected and did 45 minutes with him.

Wednesday: I meditated with Shams for 30 minutes, and he's busy, and going away for 10 days, so I sat on for 10 minutes to make it 40, and then Amir wanted to meditate, and I didn't break position and added on another 45. Woof. I've done a few 40 + 60 back to back, that's pretty grueling. My legs don't last that long. Going to the bring is interesting, it helps you appreciate how you can handle 40 minutes quite easily.

Monday

The Helix Nebula captured by NASA'S Hubble space telescope.

I go in phases and fads, obsession and preoccupations. When they float over to my dharma practice, it's good, when it's binge watching AP Bio, it's not as great. I don't even really like the show, but I'm ripe for being absorbed into something and gratifying myself about it. Binge watching Netflix is a guilty sin, I think the biggest problem is neglecting activity, you need to move around more than just occasionally getting up to go to the bathroom or get food. 

Today Shams was only 15 minutes late, and discussed ordinary things. I said, "say something dharmic before we meditate." He said, "If you see the Buddha on the road, kill him!" That's about this line of thought: Instead of worshiping the Buddha for doing something amazing, you trod the path hard and get that something worthy for yourself. Only you can get yourself enlightened, or closer, there are levels, it's a complicated concept, and not universally agreed upon. My friend used to say, "deep meditation," instead of that huge concept. Going for deep meditation is understandable, that's the transformation vehicle for Buddhists, and honestly it's not that amazing to have amazing experiences, they are challenging. Few people want to meditate 2 hours a day to really progress on the path, most people are doing preliminary practices.

I took a day off and only meditated 40 minutes plus some park meditation. Felt lazy. Keeping the balance between vigilance and pacing myself isn’t easy.